I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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