gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
