i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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