I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
