You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
