haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
