Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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