Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
