So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
