Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
