when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
