You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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