I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
