My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize