You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
