She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
