My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
