My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
