Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize