You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
