what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
