Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize