About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
As shirtless as possible
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
