Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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