I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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