I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My dick has a subreddit
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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