Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
