Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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