I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
