you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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