Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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