??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
