Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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