You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
