I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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