I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
