When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
