she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
