He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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