she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
