I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
