hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
