you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
