im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
