there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
