Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
