ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Never joke about your clitoris.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
