I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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