Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
