Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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