gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
