Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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