Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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