I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
