He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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