I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
