I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
