You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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