genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I believe in your delicious
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
