If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
