my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
