From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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