Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize