i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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