my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
