Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
