i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
