Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
