My first STD was from a foam party
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
