I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
